Colleen from PA - a regret mom

Another very sad regret mom tells her story:

Many of us are moving through circumcision regret.  Here is how I am doing it, shared in three parts. 

Part 1:

There is a picture that hangs on my wall and it used to be my favorite.  It is of Owen asleep and snuggled in on my chest.  It has always brought me back to a lovely and tender place- the one where I had just met my son.

A few months ago I realized that image was captured just after Owen’s circumcision surgery.  Now when I look at that photo my stomach lurches and my eyes fill with tears.  The regret overtakes me, and I need to distract myself so that I do not crumble into a heap thinking of those hours, days, months after.

At a time when Owen should have been basking in the comfort of his mother’s scent, and learning how to nurse, he was suffering from an intense and overwhelming pain, and he did not receive so much as Tylenol.  My poor, sweet, precious, love.

It is easy for people to dismiss this pain- both his and mine.  ”You have a healthy baby” they say, “you are a good mom”.  But they do not know.  They are unaware of what I stole from my child and the feelings that come from knowing I did not protect my baby- the inner truth that I faltered to a societal norm and a doctor who wanted to make more money.

The well meaning individuals who remind me that I cannot change the past- that what’s done is done- do not know where my baby’s foreskin went after it was cut off, or how very painful this surgery is.

I appreciate their words, their intentions…. and somehow they do offer comfort.  Knowing that somebody else is able to forgive me gives me momentary hope that one day I may be able to forgive myself too, though it seems impossible.

I have been open about this dark and lonely path, and have mostly been met with light, solace, and compassion.  There are also a few  who remind me of the truth that nobody will every be able to deny:  I did not protect my baby.  I ignored my mother’s intuition and let the nurse take my baby from me.

Once in a while,  I let myself daydream that I chose differently- that my son is still whole, just as he was born.  I let myself feel the lightness, the free heart, the pure joy that comes from knowing my baby did not endure the pain- that he has full function of his whole body…

Really, I would give a whole lot to go back and choose differently, but here we are.